Beer, Tofurky, and the Ho King

When I want a beer and a sandwich, I usually eat at home. The sandwich menu at Urban Herbivore in Kensington has so far proved uninspiring, and unless I want to eat a salad wedged between two slices of bread, there isn't a lot of choice out there. Right now, I'm not-so-happily munching on a Tofurky sandwich and slugging back a Stella while I watch traffic flow freely on the Gardiner.

Since I moved here, I've been on the lookout for a good watering hole. I've been dragged to a few places, mostly The House on Parliament, but nothing's really felt like my own Cheers. I mean, The House is okay, the beer variety is fairly good, but it's a heck of a long way away. There's a few bars around here I've been meaning to check out, but haven't had a chance yet. For now, the quest continues.

I remember back in the day, before I moved here, a night out would entail getting smashed at some music venue or club, then heading over to the New Ho King (416 Spadina, between Oxford and Nassau) for greasy, salty, MSG-laden Chinese food. (Well, actually, they may be MSG-free, but I highly doubt it - the food's too damn good.)

Although the NHK is plagued by rats, cockroaches, threadbare carpets, dirty fish tanks and a peculiar odour that rises from the basement, it's one of my favourite late-night spots to grab a bite. Not only are they open until 4 am, but they also have a nearly half-price late-night menu filled to the brim with calorie-laden goodness.

I've been going to the Ho King for over six years now, and (almost surprisingly) I've never been sick from the food. Like any other regular - and there are many - I have my preferences. I typically start my meal with a vegetarian spring roll ($1.25), and occasionally the salty fried squid, if my wallet allows ($8.99). The NHK serves main dishes on giant platters, so I usually restrict myself to only two or three dishes if my party totals less than five. I always get rice and the Hunan tofu ($7.25), sometimes with grouper (add $1-$7, depending on the waiter), eggplant in garlic sauce (no meat, $7.25), and steamed baby bok choi in oyster sauce ($9.95). I have several friends who go nuts over the General Tso chicken ($12.95), which always makes their faces redder than the old, reject chili mixture set out on every table. Although the taste varies a slight bit each time on the hunan tofu - sometimes it's so spicy I cry, other times there's no spice at all - the rest of the food is pretty consistent. It's always tasty, however, which I swear by even when I'm sober. My friends do, too - if you're with me in the city, you know a trip to the Ho is usually on the menu. Hell, I've even subjected my mother to it, and she thought "the food was good, but it's really dirty. Ew."

Sometimes, my friends ask me for a good story. Once in a while, I tell them the story of how the Ho King broke my heart. Yes, it's true, once I went there to eat and found the place temporarily closed on the order of the Health Department, due to a cockroach infestation. Boo. Hiss. I threw a mighty good fit on the sidewalk, cried, and went back home. (I called Fuwloon for delivery, which I'll write about later.)

Alas, the Ho is still the place to go, in my opinion, and it's one of the few places in the city I know of that serves a large amount of grub for a decent price. I've done the leftovers test too, and the Ho still stands up after four to five days in the fridge, on average. (Hunan meals last only two to three days, though, as the vinegar tends to separate the sauce.)

If you go to the Ho, I recommend sticking to the pre-killed menu and avoiding anything that comes from the tanks - you'll see why. I also recommend asking for cold tea. And tipping your waiter if you don't want to get jumped on in the alley. And parking where there's plenty of lights. And not looking into the kitchen while you're eating. And not sending anything back. Good luck.

Bonus: If you eat there often enough, Swine Flu will have nothing on you. En garde!


***Prices are listed from memory, not from the menu. Actual prices may vary in light of the recession and the restaurant's lost business on account of numerous suspensions from the Health Department.